I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy the rest of your life.

THE WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near m! e, an d I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she
had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family ! was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

Times You Shouldn't Hyphenate Your Name

Marriage (Part I)

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night .whether you're here or not."

Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:

"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As ever."

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:

"Here Lies My Husband - Stiff at last."



Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After some time, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of four."

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The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am" He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

During the American Revolution, many brides did not wear white wedding gowns; instead, they wore red as a symbol of rebellion.

When a woman in my office became engaged, a colleague offered her some advice. "The first ten years are the hardest."

"How long have you been married?" she asked.

"Ten years," came the immediate reply.

• Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

A grandmother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter playing "wedding." The wedding vows went like this:

"You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride."

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Messy Husband

A woman said to her friend, "I don't know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can't imagine. He doesn't put anything in its place, I am always going around the house organizing things."

The friend says, "Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, 'Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you are done and put back in its place.'"

The first woman asked, "Did it help?"

Her friend said, "I don't know. I haven't seen him since."

• I have learned there is little difference in husbands; you might as well keep the first.

Marriage Quotes

• At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
  

• A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
  

• When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
  

• A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
  

• Young son: "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
  

• Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
  

• Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a big gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex.

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Little Mary was at her first wedding and gaped at the entire ceremony. When it was over, she asked her mother, "Why did the lady change her mind?" Her mother asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, she went down the aisle with one man, and came back with another one."

Every year on their wedding anniversary my boss, Woody, and his wife celebrated by staying at the same resort hotel. On their 25th anniversary they booked their usual room. But when the hotel's bell captain escorted them upstairs, they were in for a big surprise. "There must be some mistake," Woody said. "This looks like the bridal suite."

"It's okay," the bell captain reassured him. "If I put you in the ballroom, that doesn't mean you have to dance."

I realized that my five-year-old grandson had been watching too many reality TV shows the day we attended a relative's wedding. As the four bridesmaids walked down the aisle toward the front of the church, he turned to me and asked, "Is this where the groom decides which one he wants to marry?

Dangerous Task

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool, back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests...I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was a guy in the pool swimming with all he could...the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed.

He said, "My boy, that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain...do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that WATER!!!"

Small Town Justice

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer," the man said, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet!!!" snapped the officer. "...or I'm going to let you cool off in jail until the chief gets back."

"But officer, I just wanted to say...."

"And I said KEEP QUIET! You're going to jail!" A few hours later, the officer checked up on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," said the man in the cell.... "I'm the groom!"

Important Q and A's

Kids Answers to those important questions

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. --Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. --Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. --Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. --Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. --Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids. --Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. --Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. --Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. --Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich. --Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. --Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. --Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out. --Theodore, age 8

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. --Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? --Kelvin, age 8

"And the #1 Favorite is........"
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. --Ricky, age 10

Red Skelton's tips for a Happy Marriage:

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me "In the Lake."

8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. Remember. Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"

"Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complains that he's not the man she married?"  -- Barbara Streisand

"All marriages are happy. It's the living together afterward that causes all the trouble." -- Raymond Hull

. . . "just like the girl that married dear old Dad!"

The Secret to a Long Marriage A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. "What a peaceful and loving couple." A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon on a pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, ‘that's once.’ We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, ‘That's twice.’ We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the mule dead.

Drum roll, please! There are only two times in a man's life when he can't understand a woman -- before marriage and after marriage!   A polygamists' wedding vows: Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer. Did you hear about the persistent suitor who spent so much money on a girl over a two-year period that he finally married her for his money?

Newspaper Misprint:

Never too old

Young Love

The Ballad of Suzy Lee

Anchors Away

and then . . .

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